For one day in your week take time to stop.
Embrace the now-ness of now and let everything else go. Drop all your to do lists of dreams, doubts and fear. Drop them clattering at your feet. Listen to the nothing-ness of nature, Embrace its inability to rush. Hold on to its stillness and let it ground you. Be static and find rest. Be conscious of the stillness and softness of life. Nothing truly has mattered and nothing ever will. Sit still in your lighthouse as the storm rushes towards you. Do not flinch. Loose control. Smile and stop. em
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What this is not…
What I’m writing about is not as simple as it looks and it’s not as hard either. This is not some 5 step process created by successful motivational speakers or an elusive thing that only the crazy and excessively determined can do. It is also not for health freaks and people overly concerned with their image and weight. It is also not just for women or not just for men (depends the gender your reading this from). It is also not just for young people who have all the energy in the world, or just for old people who have lived long and have gained wisdom from their journey in life (depends the age you are at when you’re reading this). This is for everyone and especially for me. I won’t lie to you that I’m this super-ninja-warrior human; some days I do none of these and just stay in bed until 10 AM. I’ve been starting my day like this for about 3 years but only just realising its awesome effects. Just remember it’s a process, add a little humour in the struggle...:) In fact the main reason I’m writing this is because I’m sort of clarifying it for my-self. How you finish doesn’t matter…(in theory) It really matters close to nothing how you end your day. Just like it really is not important how your life ends. The two most important parts of a journey are how you start and well….the journey itself. I didn’t believe this until…well I don’t know exactly when. Let’s just say it’s been a journey (pun intended) Let me just jump right into it. I start my day doing 5 Simple things: 1.Pray 2.Exercise 3.Prep 4.Eat Haha..just realized the acronym is PEPE… Alright i'll go with it.the order, the time, the length is entirely up to you. My order changes depending on where I am, how I slept, if I’m on holiday etc. I also switch it up when it gets boring or monotonous. Sometimes I skip something or add something else. Sometimes I start at 4 AM and other times at 10 AM. All I know is that when my day begins with PEPE, the rest of the day is a walk in the park. And when it doesn’t it sort of feels like I’m crawling through the day; on all fours with all my burdens and a frog on my back (literally). Read more: For details..:) Today was a peculiar day. I have just slowly and surely re-settled back after the New Years confusion. Day by day; moment by moment I could feel my balance slowly returning. Or so I thought.
The devil came knocking Little did I know, the devil was on my trail. Looking back on the last few weeks he has actually been edging his way inch by inch; day by day. I just hadn’t been paying attention. Today way the day I realized how close he was and how far off I had wandered from Gods side. It went like this. I woke up later than usual and fought my alarm longer than usual. Fought exercising more stringently than usual but that is nothing right home about, we all go through those days. Eventually I did get up to exercise and whilst I was at it; doubts began streaming in about fear of failure, finances, how long this journey called life is etc. I was determined to not let them ruin my morning, so I countered them with positive thoughts and managed to regain my peace. However it wasn’t as long lasting and sweet tasting as it usually is. Feelings of doubt, self rep-roach, and inadequacy kept coming back despite all my positive thinking mantras. I felt mentally and spiritually weak, unhealthy and unworthy. But as the sun came up I was able to harness my mind again and re-establish peace. Note during this whole escapade my mind never wandered to God; I only relied on my own strength and my own abilities to find peace. I had convinced my-self that God was there and that was enough. I did find peace but it was fleeting and blew with the wind. I thought I was my own hero The morning went smoothly running errands and meeting people. Even at church I never once thought of God. My thoughts often ........ We are meant to give
Not only as Christians but it’s just generally a nice thing to do. I like receiving things so I should equally like giving them. But... Unfortunately that is not how our minds and hearts work. I personally would much prefer to be the receiver rather than the giver. Let’s be honest giving is one of those things that we fight and it fights back. Like a tug of war in your heart. (I often lose) Giving is a habit We must realize and accept that our human machines are inclined to selfishness and learn to overcome it. NOT by forcing ourselves to give such that we find no joy in it at all. Neither should it be guilt giving or duty-giving.Those are dark corridors you do not want to find yourself in. Unfortunately it has to be habit. We are not natural givers. We are geared for survival. Even though we are not out there hunting for our food; we are in a social Savannah which screams; "Horde! horde!” “save! Save!” “keep that for yourself” “you’ll need that in the next 10 years” My problem… “Showy” giving I was born trying to impress. In a competitive society I tried to excel at everything, and as the years went by I realized people are easily impressed. Especially about success. So success begets praise and vice versa: Jack pot! I sought to mix this high of " success”, and team it up with giving. So I volunteered at an organisation called Ghetto classics; teaching violin in the slums. For about 3 years; I gave and gave and gave. Not only was it successful, it earned me praise and recognition.It felt good most of the time but deep down the "giving" aspect of it felt false.I felt like what I was dishing out was an empty plate, it gave me the superficial high which did not last even until supper time. It was really hard to tear myself away and when I finally did I felt a heavy burden lift off my shoulders(Note to self , giving should not be a burden). Safe to say it wasn’t as heart breaking as I thought it would be, maybe a little sad for a week or two but we all moved on.(Note to self , people will move on). Give.... It’s that simple-ish. In retrospect I realize I had turned giving into a duty, a problem , a haven for guilt. It is really not that complicated. The command to give is actually pretty clear: "Give to whom-ever asks" My defensive position has always been this: " What if I don’t have". That is not usually true we all have something we can give. " But that is too much". We actually deserve much less than what we do have. "Who do I give". Whomever asks. " When do I give, I can't possibly vie all the time". You can and give whenever they ask. Society sees our hand but God sees our hearts, even if we don't see it ourselves. Giving actually helped me realize that I have more than I could ever need. Let me give them bananas then I accepted the command and then began rationalizing it again. What if I walk around with bananas and give those away, I mean at least I know that the money has been spent well. It is like refusing to tithe, because you don’t trust the church. Instead you use your 10% to pay an orphans school fees. However that solution is just as selfish because I am giving on my own terms. That is" humanizing" the command" not obeying it. It would be better to not give at all. Just give. As always at the back of our minds we know exactly what is required of us. Give away everything and trust what God will do. Forget “you”, "me" and "I " feelings, or what society thinks giving means . Give and expect nothing in return (including recognition). em I'm Sick, at least I think I could be sick, Maybe i'm sick . Might be sick, not sure.
Sick is a big word, it is also a small word. It is an important word and a forgotten word. My left breast is in pain, and I can feel a lump, this is the second month this is happening. I may simply be a panic victim from over-indulging in ,"hospital based" series and books; like when I think I am being followed after watching the CIA in action in a Jeffery Archer Novel. I don't know if I'm scared. Actually I know i'm not scared but I keep running all sorts of scenarios in my head. which inevitably remind me that I will be scared. What if i'm sick? What If I have cancer? I'm not scared of those words. Sickness is sickness. And I've recently become convinced that this whole world is sort of sick of something all the time, and that its ok. But its These "What ifs" that have gotten me completely paralyzed. At least, paralysed in thought. Luckily I am stuck in traffic, so have plenty of time to get swallowed in endless thought battles. Fear part 01 I don't even know if I should be worried about all the things I was worried about before the pain came back. They kind of seem trivial now i.e my fuel is low, I woke up with a flat this morning, my pesky future house, bills etc. I am actually still worried about these things but at the back of my mind I know I shouldn't be. Like a Chinese doll of thought. What if I die? What If I can't get cured? Do I really want to get cured? I don't think i'm that attached to life. I stopped anxiously searching for adventure because I realized that it makes you miss the adventure entirely. maybe sickness is just another adventure. Fear part 02 I think now I'm scared, What would I do if I was sick? Would I watch movies, would I eat fried meat and lounge about , would I exercise or ignore peoples calls? Would I cry myself to sleep? What I know for sure is that I would not want anyone to know. Gosh the sympathy, empathy and eyes and hugs would cause me to get sicker. Would I Work or go to church? Would I stop saving? Would saving have mattered at all ? In my mind It would be easier not to even know whether I am sick, so I can keep enjoying my "motions" and let death come when It pleases. life must go on after all; and so must death. But can I handle not knowing? What do these questions even mean? Still stuck in traffic. Now I don't care and i'm invincible...(Sadist 01) Inevitably after about 15 minutes I ended up being a complete Sadist. Thinking that actually it would be nice to die. To go seat at the right hand of the Father. Ascend into heaven and leave the confusion of Earth behind. It would be good to know that my time was up and I'd run my part of the race. It's like Soldiers being called back from an on going war because they have completed their term. Who cares about death anyway...(Sadist 02) It really must be easier to die when you are young when you haven't really messed anything up and all your friends and family mourn you. It totally beats watching everyone you love die before you. On the other hand I don't know if I would be able to sit in heaven and watch people move on with life without me. I guess that must hurt too. people get over you very fast, at least that is what I noticed from down here. I wonder how it is looking down at people moving on from up there. Should I even be worried about what people think about me when I'm gone. No worries I'm back now from my death wonderland of thoughts. I know I'm not sick and I'll be just fine; unless I get run-over by a meta truck.. Whatever happens; God will get me through it .....happily em |